


Dwarves astray

by justreaderr



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: AU Bilbo stays at home, Balin has the brain, Dwarves are nothing but trouble, Gen, No Gandalf and Bilbo to save the day, Thorin is a jerk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-29
Updated: 2014-03-29
Packaged: 2018-01-17 11:35:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1386193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justreaderr/pseuds/justreaderr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hobbits are not made to be Burglars, this is a fact Thorin knows as soon as the first Halfling crosses his path. There will be nothing the wizard can do to change this simple fact.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dwarves astray

Note:  
I´m just writing this for fun; make no money (sadly) with this; have no claim to J.R.R. Tolkien´s Middle Earth and am just borrowing some of his ideas and characters to cause a little bit of ruckus.  
Just a little warning beforehand:  
English is not my native tongue (and if my English teacher is to believe it´s not a language I should ever consider writing a story in ;-), but I do honestly not belief I´m that awful, so here we go.) Since I write this here for fun and to try and improve my English skills I´m very grateful if you point out the most horrible abuse of this poor language (plz not everything, for I would have to find myself a nice corner to cry) and of cause also tell me if you like the story (praise, constructive criticism and suggestions very welcome, flame not welcome). 

Oh and I see absolute no sense in typing the parts which goes along with the Movie (which I also have no claim to), so I will just paraphrase them, for they won´t be many.

 

Chapter 1: There is no such thing as a Hobbit Burglar

 

To say Thorin was a happy dwarf would have been the greatest overestimation of the current age. Night has already fallen and he still had not the slightest idea as to where the wizard´s burglar was living.  
Annoyed he turned the drawn map, the cursed Istari has given him in the inn in Bree, and tried to estimated which path would lead him to Hobbiton. Sure there were signs, but none of them pointed in the direction he needed. They said “Proudfoot´s” or “Sackville-Baggins” or other ridicules names, and Thorin asked himself not for the first time why he had listened to the old man.  
A Hobbit should be his burglar? He had seen more of this strange race, than he ever wanted. They were soft, round, had absolutely no muscles and shied away every time he looked at them, even though he merely wanted to ask for direction. And as if this wasn´t reason enough already, they were barefaced, but with an unreasonably amount of hair on their large feet. Barefaced! Like elves. And he had seen their ears. Pointed! Like elves.  
The wizard did not truly believe Thorin Oakenshield would take something with him to reclaim their homeland, which reminded him of those Mahal-cursed treeshaggers?  
He looked back at the signs before him and decided to try the left path. One of these Hobbit-creatures was coming this way, a lamp in his left, a large carrot in his right hand. Thorin stopped and let the creature come up to him. When it noticed him it squeaked and tried to bolt, but Thorin griped its coat.  
“No need to panic, Master Hobbit”, he started as politely as possible, “I merely want to …”  
The creature squeaked again, before it raised its tiny arm started to hit him with the root. The dwarf growled, but decided to simply ignore this and get down to business.  
“I merely want to know, which way leads to Hobbiton”, he tried again, and the creature stopped its struggle for a moment.  
“You are already in Hobbiton”, it stammered. “This path here leads in a wide circle through Hobbiton and if you follow it long enough you will be back here once again.”  
The lad, at least Thorin believed it was a lad for all the lasses he had seen wore dresses, eyed his carrot again, but before he had a chance to do some more damage – to the carrot – Thorin let go of him and watched as he fled up the hill and was gone.  
There was no way that one of this …, this miniature elves was coming with them. Attacked with a vegetable, him, Thorin Oakenshield, Son of Thrain, Son of Thror, King without a mountain. Pff, the chances stood better he would to take an actual elf with him. For all their traitorous traits they at least could tell vegetable and weapons apart.  
He would follow this path, until he found the mark, take his company and leave this place as fast as he could. He kicked a few pebbles while he scanned door after door.  
Go to Hobbiton and look for a round, green door with a burglar mark upon it. The wizard must be joking, it was so dark he could tell none of the colors apart and round …, well, there was not a single door, which wasn´t round.  
But then finally the moon fell upon a single glowing mark on a round door. The royal dwarf kicked the small gate open, stepped past the small bench and up to the door. This wizard would most certainly regret sending him here, Thorin thought while he hammered against the door.  
It took not even a minute, before the door was opened and the cursed wizard looked at him, smile on the face as if nothing happened.  
“Gandalf”, Thorin greeted, as he stepped into the room, “you said this place would be easy to find. I have lost my path, twice. Without the mark I would have never found it.”  
The wizard had the audacity to smile even brighter, while a flimsy creature weaseled past his present company, just to exclaim, that there were no mark on his door.  
One look around told Thorin at least that every one of his company was already present and they would not have to search this cursed place for a lost dwarf. Then he turned his attention to their supposed burglar, who was introduced as Bilbo Baggins. He looked him up and down and eyed him from all sides, and every last hope this burglar was different from the other Halflings vanished.  
This burglar was also soft, round, tiny and completely unfit for their journey. He shared a look with Dwalin as he questioned the little thing about his skills with weapons, but his judgment was only confirmed.  
“More a grocer than a burglar”, he said and marched over to the table. A bowl of stew found its way in his hands and as he started eating the others took their places and asked about the dwarven council.  
Thorin sighed and delivered the unfortunate news. They would be alone on their quest; none of the other dwarf lords would risk their warriors in a suicide mission, as they called it. Not even his cousin Dain Ironfoot would attempt to assist them. He claimed he already followed King Thror on his fruitless attempt to reclaim Moria, and could spare no more soldiers.  
When the Halfling asked about their quest, the wizard brought forward a map of Erebor and Thorin had to suppress an amused grin as Bofur scared the Halfling with his talk about the dragon Smaug.  
Thorin listened to Balins doubts and Filis and Kilis exclamations of their trust in this company. Even though he was astonished to hear how many of his fellow dwarves actually believed their wizard was also a dragon slayer. But before everything could get even more out of order as everyone jumped up and tried to drown out the other, he called for silence and proceeds to reminded them on the importance of their success.  
Just the thought of greedy elves, thieving men or even worse orcs getting their hands on treasure solely belonging to dwarves was enough to unite his company again.  
But when Balin once again reminded Thorin of their biggest problem, finding a way into the mountain, Gandalf pulled a key out of his robe and handed it to Thorin. Now, that they had a key it should have been a lot easier to enter their rightful home. But like always, the universe found a way to complicate matters for the dwarf king.  
He stared at the map and the key, Gandalf claimed he received from Thorin´s father Thrain. A key to open a door and a map to tell them where said door could be found, but of cause this tiny, winy information was hidden from his eyes. While the wizard claimed there would be someone in middle earth with the ability to find this information, Thorin had serious doubts he would be able to find such a person. He looked at the wizard and waited for him to share whom he believed capable of this deed, but instead of reveling this mysterious stranger´s name he once again tried to convince everyone of their need for the Halfling.  
It seems that Bilbo Baggins did have one thing in common with his dwarfish guests; which would be his utter disbelieve he would be the right choice as company burglar. Of cause Gandalf attempted to convince Thorin of the opposite, but the dwarf already had made up his mind. This Hobbit would not come with them.  
When he told this the wizard, the little Hobbit seemed incredible relived, while the gray wizard looked slightly angered. To not further intrude on their host, Thorin signaled Gandalf to follow him a moment outside.  
“You are making an unbelievable foolish mistake, master dwarf”, ranted the Man, as soon as the door was closed.  
“I do not think so, Gandalf, have you taken a closer look at your burglar. Everything about him screams vulnerable and unfit for the long and taxing journey to the east”, replied the dwarf, “Taking him with us would not just slow as down, it also would lead to his death, as soon as the first obstacle arises. Just imagine we came upon orcs, which lingers in the bare land between the shire and the Mountains. None of us can protect him and you heard him just as good as I did; He knows nothing about handling a weapon.”  
“There is far more to Mr. Baggins, than you can see on the first glance, I assure you, Thorin, this mission will not succeed without our burglar.”, said Gandalf with an air of importance. “While Smaug knows the smell of dwarf well, I´m more than certain he has never come across a hobbit. This will be a large advantage when we will try to enter the Mountain and find the Arkenstone.”  
“Be that as it may. The Hobbit will most likely not make it to Erebor and in the unlikely case he makes it, Smaug will smell something has entered the Mountain and kill him. We will gain nothing be dragging him along, leaving aside the fact that he doesn’t even want to come.”  
“Leave this to me, I´m certain I can convince him otherwise”, said the wizard eagerly.  
“I will not take him along. This is final. We have wasted more than enough time already, just by coming here. With the first light of day we will be on our way”, Thorin crossed his arms before his chest and gave the old man a challenging look.  
Gandalf huffed annoyed, “You will come to regret ignoring my advice”, he predicted, before he turned and stormed down the path with long strides and vanished into the dark.  
Thorin sighed again; they would obviously retake their mountain without a burglar and a wizard. Or die trying. Then he turned as well and reentered the Hobbit hole.


End file.
